6th Post 13 Feb 2008

As i laid in bed she appeared in my thoughts again.....somehow all i feel is distrust and pain....
when we met the last time we went bugis....i was sick for the first time in more than 2 yrs,I told her she was my morale strength and she was the one who pushed me on in my work.....when she left i really fell sick.....that's not the worst....we went out and she thought that i was lying abt it....even through we went to cold storage to get sushi, i was shaking due to the cold while in my jacket.....cant believe she thinks that way abt me after being together for 1.5yrs....no trust at all in me.....in the end she told me that the sushi was for me i was touched......but i still didnt eat it....i went without food for 3 days.....totally no appetite at all......i felt weak but still carried on working as normal....guess the weakiness is nothing compare to losing her.....i read abt this in her friendster 2wks back.....she told her bf about us meeting and how i kissed and cried on her shoulder.....she said that she was afraid i might threaten her with that.....wtf.....knowing me so long she still didnt trust me at all....i have kept my promises to her and have always been honest with her how come she feels this way.....that really hurts even through we are not together.She told me to move on and didnt think i love her and thought i was acting and also that i had other gfs beside her......oh my god......
I tolder her these..... I want to move on but it's not easy cos i love her with my heart and soul, i had never acted in front of her and was always standing by her side for her and i dont have other gfs....I gave her my housekeys for her to know that i have nothing to hide and she is welcome to come anytime anyday.She even checked my hp secretly when i was sleeping....i knew cos i wasnt asleep at that moment.I dont mind she doing that at least i know she still cares.Althought it's small things i do but i put heart into doing them.......guess what she finds as security is being with the bf 24hrs and not having freedom to do anything.....she says she doesnt understand me but somehow i feel i am the one who really doesnt understands her...it's sad how i put in effort, heart and soul into this failed relationship but she couldnt feel anything and decided to shut her heart.
That's why i pity her for not understanding herself.....who in this modern society doesnt want some freedom.....at least now i know of one.......too bad i had to be destroyed while finding this out.But if there was a second time i will still choice to love her again against everyone's advice.cos i believe in 2nd chances.If got then say lor is the reality....sad but true.....It sucks......giving everything in a relationship and all you get is hurt, hurt and more hurt.....really shattered....