131th Post 26 Feb 12

The thought of u is really getting to me.
Everytime i open my eyes i hope i see u next to me. Everytime i reach home i wished u were there. Everytime i check m hp i wished it was u.

I am really losing it.

U have always hurt me unknowingly..... u have always know what buttons to push to move me.

These 6 yrs have been the most painful and yet most happy moments of my life.

Loving u was all i could think of, worrying abt u was part of my day, watching u sleep soundly was my daily night activity. I have really degenerated.

I am no longer the cheerful and fun Charles, now all i am is lost and depress most of the time.

Always everything seems pointless to me, the only thing holding me up now is my family and friends. My main pillar is now gone, along with it is my happiness and love and hope.

I used to smile brightly whenever i talk abt my wife but now whenever anyone ask me abt u, all there is is only tears.

I miss u

I hate waking up everyday, i hate every passing moment. As i type these tears are growing.

If i had a choice i would still love u in the afterlife going through all the pain again.

Maybe i own u in the past life that's why i can once and again go against everyone's advice.

Loving u blindly.....

I know i am lying to myself everyday, trying to trick my heart to let go but it is not working.

Remember u say if we were to die u wanted me to die first cos u know that i couldnt live without u. That is true......... if i was alone with no family, i would have left this world. I cant live with this pain and pretend i am fine.

I have never been able to let go easily and that is the part of me that u used to love. The stubborn me who loves u regardless of what u do. The fool who will always standby u no matter what happen. The husband who can forgive and forget whatever immoral things that happened.

I know i am a fool to others but that is me. The one who loves u so deep and honestly that i can go against the world for u.

I will even go against my parents wishes if u decided to come back, and that is something no one else has managed to make me do.

It's nights like this that hurts me the most. We used to laze on the bed enjoying each other's company. Me proning and watching TV while u and bibi were lying on my back reading books.

We used to enjoy just all the simple things and really enjoyed ourselves. Laughing together while watching tv and hugging each other while watching ur fav thai movies.

Why am i thinking of all this...... why am i crying again.

U always hurt me deeply when u ditch me for another, the trust we had built for years suddenly disappear and u make me feel that i am trying to lie to u, everything i say are lies. It's not the first time.

Not the first time u betrayed me, not the first time u lied to me, not the first than u ditc me for another.

It is not my first time loving u, not the first time hurt deeply by u and it will still not be the first time i forgive u. That is my love for u.

I can take the whole world's blame and scoldng but i can never let even 1 person do that to u.

I know u wont come back after reading all these. That is u.

The song bei pan by yang zhong wei best explains my heart.

Let go of ur hand without asking a thing and say goodbye, take it as my last act of stubborn love.

Let me tell u what u said that hate me the most 2 days back when u msg me.

It was the part that u will tell ur bf everything and show him the msg disspite me advicing u not too.

That hurts like a knife cutting through my heart.