Reality

Good and nice people are always taken for granted and forgotten.

I am one of them. Toyed with and abandoned that's the harsh reality of life.

History is repeating itself again and again and again.

Must really agree with everyone that old habits die hard.

Some people just don't deserve to be treated well, heaven is watching.

I know that at least when I die and face my past that I have a clear conscience.

Things that I decided and regret can be counted with my hands.

Thoughts

Happiness gained while stepping on other people's feelings won't last and will bite back at u worse.

Knowing a person too well is never a good thing. I will often know what the person is really thinking deep down.

I got that problem. Their personality often reflects on me and shows me that the person is actually shit

Hope

Hope she is not in the plane reported on news.....

Keep doing what I did when she was with me....... Silly me

These are 1 of the small things she will never know and understand

Thoughts

I think I'm pretty childish when talking about love. I thought that my love is pure and can change a person and people will accept it by loving me back. This couple of weeks got me thinking.......

Money is the only factor that matters and not love. With money, u can't buy love but u can earn it.

Love talk is useless and pointless. Gifts and presents are what moves and keeps a gal.

Pure love is just nonsense in our society now. It is worthless.

Wisdom

People whom forget the lessons and experiences they learnt in the past will always fail in their future

26th march 2012

Why does it still hurt so much to see her.

Even till now I can't bring myself to hate her

Thoughts

See u tmr. Please take care of bi bi for me.

Hope he comforts u, keeps u warm and wipe ur tears when u are sad.

I have never been someone who can let go easily. That is my weak point in my character.

Good to know that BK is starting well, bro don't waste my effort, hope I will be ur xiong di for this coming relationship. Jia you .

A bit sad that ms E is also shutting her heart but I will still support her decision. Jia you gal, show me a smile brighter than the last pic. U can do it.

Ms J please take care and try not to get worse if not I will ask Rupa to talk to u. Hehe

Continue

I really have lost myself for u. Day and night worrying abt u. Every time watching and listening to news worried sick that the flight u are in got problems with engine etc. waking up often to see if u got cover urself properly with the blanket. Worrying u never sleep well, giving u all the space u want on the bed. Letting u kick is nothing to me. U really don't know how deeply I love u.

All these years I gave u all I could. Too bad u still think its not enough. I really hope u will be happier after causing me so much pain and suffering. That is something I will bear for u in order for u to be happier. That is how much I loved u.

Every post and blog is a knife to my heart but I am willing to endure it. I am that stupid, bro u can scold me later.

I got erectile disfunction, in simple terms I can't get hard now. This is how badly I affected. U may not read this but I don't care.

Thinking back u ate the one who is selfish and un-understanding

U only thought abt what u want and need but have u ever think abt what I am going through.

How much stress and worries I am going through. I can tell u NO u did not after November.

Gal are u really sure he is the one. U are going through worse now.the organ is for u to spend time again. At night u are still sleeping alone. U really don't know urself enough.

When u want to wake up......... Ur life is getting worse now do u know that.

U are getting more alone...... I really pity u. U should understand me well enough.

U can't even let people know u are married and unavailable. How much do u need to lie so that u be can be happy. I really wonder how deeply u understand urself.

U will really lose everything if u can't wake up. As deeply as I love u I also have a limit, I only human, do I really need to have a mental breakdown completely to let u understand urself. Every moment is suffering, everyday is suffering. Till today I still worry abt u.

I really hope u understand urself and what u want cos this type of suffering is unbearable for almost all people.

24th march 2012

Glad to know u are better miss E. but sad to say there is more to come.

Don't worry I'm here to listen. U are stronger than me. I'm sure u will recover faster.

My thoughts, wasted 6 years of my life never mind, betrayed me countless times never mind

Why I mind is hurting me as deep as u can for countless times.

U think it's funny or easy or what. How many times u want to hurt me till I break.

I am very near to breaking. Lose gf need psychologist, now I lost the one most important person in my life so should I go to Woodbridge.

I don't know I should be happy or sad that I can see u on Monday, think I should be very disappointed and sad.

To think I can still forgive u after all these. I really am shit, a fool and brainless.

Even now letting u be happy and letting u have ur way is what I am doing. Stupid me.

Yourlast chance will be when I return u the car at the end of month after that I will harden my heart against u. I need to start protecting myself. I have given too much in this relationship.

Really changing myself and my lifestyle for u. Di much that I lost mysel

23 March 2012

Getting disappointed with current job..... Starting to lose movitation

Am I thinking too much or too little.

I havent seen a job that I could see myself working till I retired.

Disappointed in my current life too.

Life really is full of disappointment

I have seen and heard and felt too many upsetting and disappointing things today.

I'm moody

U said u came back cos u knew I couldnt live without u but yet u still betrayed me again

All I can do now is hope u made the correct choice.

Monday is the day I return u ur things and bibi. Hope I take good thing of him,

Guess ur life is the not any better cos u want ur organ back.

U need things to spend ur time on, is it any different from when we are together,

U think have the car back is better but u will be driving and no one will be picking u up and sending u to work it is actually becoming worse. When u are at home u are alone there is no one to be by ur side. U are still alone and worse? There is no one to talk to u and comfort u.

U really don't know how to cherish what u have. Hope u will be happy forever

Mood

Recently I have started to be very moody and edgy too.

Work stress is the only consider I have. Using it to keep my mind off things

I have decide to change the way I want to close my heart.

I dont want to become cold and heartless.

I have chosen the more difficult path again. It is easier to just shut my heart but I rather not.

I choose to let it be open but only a very very small gap so that I won't be cold and heartless

Quote

Even if somebody doesn't love you the way you want them too, doesn't mean that they don't love you with what they have got

Thoughts and Feelings

Sometimes i think i know too much for my own good.... it hurts me more if i know more......

I can predict a few things but none are making me happy, they are only making me more sad.

Maybe as Ms J said, i think too much.

I think u are right J, it's not my business anymore. I know u have no right tell me what to do. But thanks gal, u did something that few could do to heal my shattered heart.

I did cry a few days back but it wasnt so bad anymore, tears would be the correct word.

I still think of her often but hey 6 yrs of relationship is not easy to let go, i'm not her.

I behave very very differently from people i know regarding letting go. I cant do that in a few days or weeks.

I state i am not posting my injuries to get her pity or for her to come back.

I am the type of guy who dares to admit their mistakes and am not worried abt the world laughing at me or scolding me. That is me, to be exact the stubborn me.

Ms E u have my support in the decision u made. It's painful and hurting but it is better to endure that than to go through what i have gone through. Remember what u promised me k. It is more difficult to go through it alone. U have me and ur friends and family behind u, and that is a lot of support.

I dont dare to change back to who i was before. I'm afraid of myself from back than. I am finding a way to save myself yet protect myself from harm. I dont want to become like u Ms J. It is painful to see u suffering like that, i wished i could help open ur heart and see the smile on ur face from our poly yrs.

Ms E i dont wish u go through what i did as it is terrible. U have heard ur future but are u willing to risk ur future happiness on it. I can tell you this today, yes i will still do it. But as time flows i dont know what my answer will be. The hurt and pain and fear will be there to haunt me as long as i live. U asked me why we have to suffer this way and this is my answer to u gal

Maybe someone up there thinks that we deserved someone better but why are we settling for someone beneath us.

Remember gal find someone who loves u more than u love him..... to be love is bless, to love is suffering.

Years down the road i dont know where i will be or what i will be doing but i know i will be better than now. I have gone through what no guy can go through before, getting hurt like no one has gone through before.......... I have hit rock bottom so there is only 1 way to go and that is to go up.

I dont know what life has install for me in the future i only know i have followed her way for too long and now it is time to find my own way of life.

I left eric and have always regreted it but u want me to do it. This time i will follow my heart and do what i want. This is the path i have chosen, at least i can live with a clear conscience and tell god that i do not regret it.

I will always regret certain things in life. Those are decisions i made and i will have to deal with it for the rest of my life.

I do feel dirty and degraded and demoralised and u are the cause that is the fact.
I wont tell u i hope u are happy etc etc cause i know u well enough to know the ending......
There are times i pity u and there are times i am disappointed with u but that is not ur problem anymore, we are only strangers now.

Funny

Got bf already still need me to help her to move her organ from the car to her place...... really funny.....

Guess her bf isnt much help......... Guess i was right.

Well it's good. i can pass her bibi without leaving him in the car for more than 1 week.

My wounds are starting to hurt.... well that's a good thing that means i'm starting to heal.

Still a lost abit what car to change.... thinking back i dont like sports cars due to the noise that they produce, i want comfort, peace and quietness.....

Maybe just a normal sedan or a sonata...... 2.4L and i am driving most of the time..... a bit dumb....ponder ponder

Think this time I really need to shut my heart totally just to start healing. Tears and pain will be swallowed. Sufferings and sadness will be locked up. I will hide behind a mask from now on. The mask u took yrs to remove will be harder and thicker.

I will kneel and beg the whole world for forgiveness if they could forgive my actions. That is how much I could drop my pride for u now. U may never see these messages but at least I let out my feelings for u. Every moment is a torture and day is hell. Did u expected me to be suffering this way. I don't think so. Tears and heart breaks are daily things to me now. Depression and sadness are buddies... to me. If 3 yrs time u want me to sign the paper I will. Why............cos u can be happy, that is my love for u. As long as u can and will be happy I am willing to sacrifice myself. If I need to go through hell to let u be happy forever I will. Cos ur happiness is more important to me than everything else. Time for me to go Woodbridge to see a psychologist.

He lost gf need to see, how abt me

Is the life u are going through now any better than before. Alone at home, alone at work, alone most of the time. No one by ur side. No true friends....... Ur stress is growing but no one is sharing it with u. U have to bear it alone. Is that really what u wanted. U really are slow gal. I have always let u have ur way and supported u in whatever u wanted to do. I know u better than anyone will....... yet u really disappoint me by thinking of me otherwise. Even after we parted I had tried to relieve ur stress but u chose otherwise. Is he going to help, will he forsake u and leave u hurt. Will he support u in every decision u make. I am disappointed I really am. I really am a fool. Even now I will support every decision u make. Never wanting to give u more stress or pain. U really are selfish and immature emotionally. Do u know how hard it is to find someone who loves u more than they live themselves

hmm

It was fun yesterday guys...... thanks for checking up on me and sharing what u all normally didnt do...... our bond just got deeper.

I discovered that BK got almost the same taste in woman as i have.....lol.....

Dont say i never tried to help u hor. Out of 2, u got 1 chance liao.... jia you hopefully yrs down the road u might settle down wih her..... hehe dont forget me hor.Think next end i will jio jio u to go jurong with me..... then we can gossip abt how it is going on k.

It was something difficult at the dinner yesterday. 1 st time xiong di no need to drink at all....not only that i totally never touch alcohol except for that 1 cup of champagne.

It was also refreshing to have only 1 lady at our table....... Iz....unique name......

I had mixed feelings during the wedding..... certain memories and feelings flew around..... happy, sad.......... it was weird..... the good thing was that i was among people who will always be there for me to cheer me up and scold me if i needed to be scolded.

Thanks Guys..... really missed having u all around.

Sorry Iz if u are able to read this someday, i was behaving weird..... i still dont feel comfortable with other women.....

Stay happy Elvin, being in love and being able to stay married till the day u die is a blessing from heaven. Dont worry bro i will always have ur back. I'm just a block away.....

William u really need to learn how to say NO.......lol.....u are too tame......lol..... Thanks bro for helping me time and again.

Another day, another week, another month...... time moves on no matter what we do. We can only move along. It isnt easy, certain things are still not clear to me, i am still wondering abt what i want to achieve and how to achieve them.... what moves do i do..... stay or change job, get what car, how to spend time daily...... have been taking them 1 step at a time.

One thing is for sure, i am still very uncomfortable being with women whom i dont know. lol.....

Moving on

Had a great night yesterday with my platoon mates. It was fun but too bad they are all late must make note to self, never be on time when meeting them. I shall make it a point to reach 1 hr after meeting time.......hehe don't blame me hor.

I still don't know why I was so clumsy yesterday. Got myself cut, got hit by power plug, kick my leg on machinery...... Super clumsy

Was happy that I managed to see ms J hehe

Looking forward to tmr, it will be a super long day but confirm fun. Looks like I am good xiong di material lol. I wonder what tricks will they have up their sleeves and how I will break them all lol. I have that much confidence .

Had a super bad day..... Had to keep eating panadol to cure my headaches and was damn drowsy the whole day. Luckily all the problems were cleared by the end of the day.

Found out that next weekend I will be all alone. Sian don't know how to clear my time...... Mccafe hopping?? Movies???? I think I should go see cars. Intrega or celica hmm....... I think most likely will be intrega . Must try out the seats first. Dad wasn't too supportive that I want a sports car but to me I am just getting what I have been eyeing for a long time. I just want to pamper myself after so many yrs. I know insurance sure super ex but it's worth it. Something to pamper myself with and to enjoy in. I discovered that I feel very comfortable in my cars be it in the past or present.

I will buy a stock intrega I don't like body kits or lowered sis

New beginning

It's amazing how when people are in love they can be super sweet

But when it's over how cruel they can be.

Now she has gotten what she wanted

Will she be happy in future?

I know 1 thing, I will move on

No more tears to cry, time to cheer myself up. After giving my all for her and trying my best to give her happiness.

Time to do things and buy things for myself.

1st up get myself another car , I'm struck between Honda intrega and Toyota celica.

Never mind I got 2 months to think about it.

2nd work on my money and career......... May consider not joining SQ if my current salary increases.

Thanks everyone for the care and concern and support and scoldings given to me

Thoughts

Another day of work. I cleared my work too fast. Become too free in the afternoon.

1 more day to go. Should I be happy or sad or depress?

I don't know anymore. I just know I am really tired

I want to rest

I want to move on.

Wednesday shall bring the car for partial repair so will be carless

Thursday night happy hour lol.

Sat sure shag out, but it will be fun,yes

Tired and thoughts

i am really tired..... tired of protecting u,tired of sheltering u from harm.
I just want to move on. My love for u has really been shattered beyond recovery.

My heart is closed and mind is lost. U have made the choice

The only thing i regret now is not being able to stop u from getting hurt.

Since u like to listen to ur bf i made the decision to help u.

The car is urs at end of the month, will get it repaired myself and pass it back to u.

Anyway i can survive without it. I will be able to get 1 myself in 2 mths....lol

Gim thanks for asking me out, it was relaxing and fun.

To think that in my current condition i was able to find someone more hurt than me and to be able to give others advice.....i have grown, stronger, better, wiser.

To think i broke down unexpected on friday........ cry till my eyes were swollen on sat..... must be damn bad. Thanks Jensen i know u consoled me a lot that night.

Having lost her, i have discovered that my parents' love for me is really deep. Cooking my fav food to help me regain my appette.... Thanks to them i have regain my weight.

My mind is fixed on earning more now. Hopefully Jensen proposal goes through and my income will double.

Ya i got pay rise, although not that much but it is enough for now. With the proposal it will jump to near 4k or more...... life is getting sweeter, too bad i have no one to share it with.

The next few days will be tough. Lots of shit to clear..... what to do work is work. i dont know how i will be on tuesday, happy, sad, confused?? i have no idea
But what i do know is that it is the end of my sufferings. Once i sign on the paper, it signifies that i am changed. No more trying to keep her or worry abt her.

Sorry Miss J i should have been more sensitive to ur feelings. i will repect ur decisions.
I have found that i have been missing out on a lot of things in life when i was with her. Time for my enjoyment to come.
Come to think of it, at 30 i am in my prime. Money coming in, single, free ...... i'm going valueable. Happy...lol.... but for her..... depreciation is increasing.

That's life.

I rmb a quote from jensen that made me wake up. Why let others determine how much u are worth when u can set ur own worth. Wise words.......

On tuesday i shall see what the lawyer will say, if the truth is not there and the conditions and terms is not what i expected i will NOT sign the papers. I dont lose out she does. I'm not being evil, i'm just being fair to myself since she havent been fair to me.

Since she like to listen and obey her bf let her bf worry abt it. I couldnt care less now.

She knows how and where to find me if she needs me. That is something that will never change.
I will always be here for her if she needs me.

Miss J u asked me sometimes back if i could move on and i answered NO. Last thur changed me, now i can tell u YES i have moved on. Really too badly hurt that it shut my heart up and changed my mind.

NO more weeping or feeling depressed for her.......... It doesnt change anything at all. She really hurted me too many times while she is the king of my life.

Since i am uncherished by her even through i love her with my love and trampled on by her.......... I have been a fool to think my love is enough. FOOL

Tuesday is a day i am looking forward to. Goodbye my sufferings, tears, fears and worries.
Hello my happiness, joy, fun and love............

I will be happier, richer and single.....hehe......